Thursday, May 10, 2007

Horoscopes ION Magazine

ION Magazine got me to write the Horoscopes for the May edition which is out on the streets now. The magazine is a super hot and free glossy that gets snatched up fast so if you can't find one here they are:

You’re going to unexpectedly find yourself at a cuddle party and you’re going to like it. It’s the beginning of a whole new life for you. By May 31 you’ll find true love. It may only last a week so make it count.

This month someone will prove just how dumb you are. If you want to dodge this fate start paying attention to the world beyond your art collective. Think thrice before ordering your latte and read a newspaper. At the very least catch up on current events. Seriously how can you not know who Barack Obama is? Stop fretting about money. No one can afford to live in this city, just put it all on credit like the rest of us.

Quit eating shite. You smell like a teenaged boy after a game of dodgeball wearing wet wool. Go on a cleanse, take a shower and start walking. If you do you may finally be able to get a date.

Happy Birthday Mr/Ms Bull. If you can get through this month you’re going to have a rockin’ year. However heed this advice. I know you don’t want to wreck your hair but you and your hipster cruiser bike are going to get hit by a car. Wearing a helmet might be a good idea but it’s probably best if you just spent the whole month indoors. I don’t know how you’re going to do that, maybe you can get on creating that teleporting invention the Jetsons said we’d have by now.

This month one of your personalities is going to take over. Let it. You’ve been doing this skitzo twin thing too long. It’s truly time to drop your weaker persona; a slout (dumb slut) that spends too much time on and wants you to move to White Rock to settle down.

You are perfect. Everything you wish for will come true. Keep up the good work. Just be sure to keep your perfection on the D.L. you don’t want the other signs to get jealous.

Quit leaving the lights on when you’re not home. Global warming is all your fault.

You’re going to fall in love at the beginning of this month. Now, what I want you to do is write pages and pages of poetry about this. Write about how they smell, their laugh, how much they mean to you etc. After the new moon on May 16 your lover is going to get drunk at the Legion and dedicate a karaoke love song to your worst enemy. I want you to keep writing lots more poetry. Then send it all to me so I can publish another book.

“A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?” Find away to work this Wayne’s World quote into a conversation and your month will be party time, excellent.

Stop spending so much time on MySpace and Facebook. Go outside, get drunk, sleep around, and say what’s on your mind and in your heart. Fuck repercussions.

Your laziness has hit rock bottom. You probably figured out a way to get this magazine delivered. It’s time you pulled up your socks, put them in the wash, quit sponging off your parents and got a job. Not a job at a coffee shop or bathhouse, your resume if full of that already. Try to do one thing this month that you’ve always wanted to do. Wait, don’t try- just fucking do it.

A day or two after the full moon on May 2 you will understand the meaning of life. This will bring you great peace and happiness. Don’t let the haters get you down. Take a walk around the sea wall and repair our cities broken heart.

1 comment:

Brendan said...

I can't wait until May 31st! Though hiding said true love from my parents might be challenging.