Thursday, May 10, 2007

Horoscopes ION Magazine

ION Magazine got me to write the Horoscopes for the May edition which is out on the streets now. The magazine is a super hot and free glossy that gets snatched up fast so if you can't find one here they are:

You’re going to unexpectedly find yourself at a cuddle party and you’re going to like it. It’s the beginning of a whole new life for you. By May 31 you’ll find true love. It may only last a week so make it count.

This month someone will prove just how dumb you are. If you want to dodge this fate start paying attention to the world beyond your art collective. Think thrice before ordering your latte and read a newspaper. At the very least catch up on current events. Seriously how can you not know who Barack Obama is? Stop fretting about money. No one can afford to live in this city, just put it all on credit like the rest of us.

Quit eating shite. You smell like a teenaged boy after a game of dodgeball wearing wet wool. Go on a cleanse, take a shower and start walking. If you do you may finally be able to get a date.

Happy Birthday Mr/Ms Bull. If you can get through this month you’re going to have a rockin’ year. However heed this advice. I know you don’t want to wreck your hair but you and your hipster cruiser bike are going to get hit by a car. Wearing a helmet might be a good idea but it’s probably best if you just spent the whole month indoors. I don’t know how you’re going to do that, maybe you can get on creating that teleporting invention the Jetsons said we’d have by now.

This month one of your personalities is going to take over. Let it. You’ve been doing this skitzo twin thing too long. It’s truly time to drop your weaker persona; a slout (dumb slut) that spends too much time on and wants you to move to White Rock to settle down.

You are perfect. Everything you wish for will come true. Keep up the good work. Just be sure to keep your perfection on the D.L. you don’t want the other signs to get jealous.

Quit leaving the lights on when you’re not home. Global warming is all your fault.

You’re going to fall in love at the beginning of this month. Now, what I want you to do is write pages and pages of poetry about this. Write about how they smell, their laugh, how much they mean to you etc. After the new moon on May 16 your lover is going to get drunk at the Legion and dedicate a karaoke love song to your worst enemy. I want you to keep writing lots more poetry. Then send it all to me so I can publish another book.

“A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?” Find away to work this Wayne’s World quote into a conversation and your month will be party time, excellent.

Stop spending so much time on MySpace and Facebook. Go outside, get drunk, sleep around, and say what’s on your mind and in your heart. Fuck repercussions.

Your laziness has hit rock bottom. You probably figured out a way to get this magazine delivered. It’s time you pulled up your socks, put them in the wash, quit sponging off your parents and got a job. Not a job at a coffee shop or bathhouse, your resume if full of that already. Try to do one thing this month that you’ve always wanted to do. Wait, don’t try- just fucking do it.

A day or two after the full moon on May 2 you will understand the meaning of life. This will bring you great peace and happiness. Don’t let the haters get you down. Take a walk around the sea wall and repair our cities broken heart.

Belly- Psychedelic Comedy from the DTES

What do you get when you mix the Downtown East Side's missing women, Pink Floyd and stand-up comedy? Belly: a play that's at Open Studios until May 5.

Belly is a comedian/sex worker who has a psychic connection to Pink Floyd. This is a story about adversity like you've never seen. While searching for her lost lover and comedy partner, Belly attempts to heal the paranormal energies in her neighbourhood armed with jokes from the future. From the future!

Director Kris Nelson describes the show as, "absurd and surreal" with Belly, played by creator Dawn Wendy McLeod, performing a "feast of comedy styles, everything from celebrity impressions to filthy jokes." The show also features eccentric rockers A Thousand Times No who re-work some classic Floyd riffs.

I've got my tickets already and if you want some too you'd better act now. Belly closes this Saturday night but if you're quick you can get in on the two-for-one Tuesday show tonight at 8 pm.

Brownbike Performance and Screaming Weenie Productions in association with neworldtheatre and PACE (Prostitution Alternatives Counseling and Education) Society present:

Created by Dawn Wendy McLeod
Directed by Kris Nelson

April 26 - May 5, 2007 @ 8pm
2-for 1 preview: April 25, 2007 @ 8pm
2 for 1 special with talkback with members from the PACE Society, May 2, 2007 @ 8pm
Night Owl Shows: April 28 & May 5 @ 10pm

Open Studios
#200 - 252 E. 1st Avenue, Vancouver
Tickets: 604-251-1047
Little Sister's Bookstore (1238 Davie)
Admission: $10/$12

Terminal City Roller Girls First Bout

The Terminal City Roller Girls are Vancouver's first female roller derby league and this past Saturday at the Royal City Curling Club in New Westminster the girls hit the track. Tickets were hard to find for this sold out event; you pretty much had to know a rollergirl personally to get in. The lucky 500 fans who made the trek watched the Black Bandidas take on the Red Rollitas who've been practicing together since the league formed in January of this year.

The rules of a roller derby are hard to explain. I'd had them explained to me about a hundred times before the bout but it all made sense I when got there. Here's how it all went down:

The two teams played three twenty-min bouts (or periods for you hockey fans). Things were a little shakey off the top, as this was the first time any of the girls competed in front of an audience. Most of the girls stuck to the rules- 'no pushing/ elbowing' - but Suzy Shameless was one blocker who demonstrated how to play tough. Other star players included Chicka Bomb, Trophy Wife, Cinderhella, Lambaster and Rollergirl (who's been on four wheels since she was four).

By the end of the third period everyone was getting into it. I was on my feet screaming Ttake her down! Go! Go! Go!" Then just as quickly as it started the Black Banditas (who are comprised of two teams The Bad Reputations and The Faster Pussycats) had won. The score... well, I lost my notebook with that information and since it's not up on their website you'll have to take my word; it was close.

The rumors are the next bout will be in August with a much larger venue with 2000 seat capacity and thankfully not in New West. I'm betting those tickets will fly just as fast as the first bout. My suggestion is start making friends with these girls now. Which should be easy since they're all on MySpace.

Comedy on the edge... of Bad Taste

This is from a Beyond Robson blog post I did. May 08, 2007

Tonight at the Soft-Core Comedy/ Variety Show, Aubrey Tennant and Paul Anthony will present the first known staging of a play written by Cho Seung Hui who killed 32 people in a school shooting at Virgina Tech last month . Apparently this 11-page piece was leaked to the Internet where the producers of tonight's show snatched it up . It's bound to be a serious glimpse into the mind (and poor grammar) of this deeply troubled kid.

Too soon? Yeah, probably.

Also on tonight's bill:
Graham Clark who is one of the funniest stand-ups in Vancouver.
Ryan LaChance (formally Sir Gimpy) who is said to "spew his hilarious wheelchair riddled rage." I'm guessing that's comedy.
April O'Peel with her appealing burlesque.
And Drag Queen, Jason Lomax will perform his infamous black-faced rendition of a beloved Whitney Houston Classic.

This is comedy on the edge of good taste. You've been warned.

The Soft-Core Comedy/ Variety Show at The Cobalt

Doors: 9 pm
Show: 9:30 pm
Cover: $5
The Cobalt - 917 MAIN ST